Category:Wine humor

Big Wine to become one company

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

big wine
“Wait a minute. Isn’t the cabernet down the other aisle? Or is that the red blend?”

Four of the biggest U.S. wine companies, which control almost half of the American market, announced today they will merge to form one company — The GalConTreas Group.

“It seemed really counterproductive to be competing against each other since we already dominate the market, most of our wines taste exactly alike, and consumers don’t know the difference anyway,” said a spokeswoman for the new company, which will close all of its facilities but one and fire all of its employees except those a personnel review deems “absolutely necessary.” In fact, the spokeswoman used the words “synergies” and “cost savings efficiences” 173 times during the news conference that announced the merger.

The new CalConTreas Group will revolutionize wine production by taking advantage of those synergies and cost savings efficiencies, said the spokewoman. For example, instead of the thousands and thousands of tanks and barrels each producer uses, the single The GalConTreas Group winery will have just one, factory sized, with thousands of separate spigots for each brand the new company produces.

Said the spokeswoman: “Red, white, varietal character? Does the average consumer really care? Or understand any of that wine writer foolishness? Of course not. All they want is smooth and fruity wine, and baby, that’s what we’re going to give them. And we’re going to premiumize it!”

Reaction to the announcement:

• The U.S. Justice Department and Federal Trade Commission immediately approved the merger. Their only concern? That it included just four of the biggest companies, instead of the eight biggest and their 60 percent market share. “Because, if you’re going to create a monopoly, what’s the point of not doing it right?” asked a Justice attorney.

• Fred Franzia, whose Bronco Wine is the fifth biggest producer in the country, announced Bronco would merge with itself. “If those people think they can get away with this without taking Fred Franzia into account, they’ve got another thing coming,” he said.

• The Wine Spectator said it would produce a special section in upcoming magazines featuring The CalConTreas Group wines, and that each of the new company’s wines would get 92 points.

•  The eight biggest distributors in the country, which control two-thirds of the market, said they would merge into one company to better serve The GalConTreas Group, and used the words “synergies” and “cost savings efficiencies” 342 times in their announcement.

• Legendary Internet blogger Jeff Siegel, the Wine Curmudgeon, who predicted these developments in a 2015 blog post, declined to comment. However, a person with close ties to Siegel said he was sitting in a dark corner, mumbling something that sounded like “The horror, the horror,” and hoarding cheap Gascon and Sicilian wine.

More April 1 wine news:
• Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas

8 signs you’ve been writing about wine for too long

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

writing about wine
“Please help me before I Andy Rooney again.”

Because, after more than 2,500 blog posts and even more time spent writing about wine for magazines, newspapers, and the Internet, even the Wine Curmudgeon sometimes wonders what he has wrought:

1. You know the cheap wine inventory at the biggest retailers in town better than the retailers do. And you’ve tasted more of the wine in their stores than they have.

2. You don’t read wine reviews or other wine writers; you read wine industry trade magazines and websites and follow what’s going on the way you used to follow baseball.

3. When you interview younger winemakers and mention a wine you tasted 10 or 15 years ago that was a big deal at the time, they not only don’t know the wine, but give you that kind but dotty old man look.

4. You find yourself, despite your best intentions, launching into Andy Rooney mode when someone says something stupid about wine — and especially if it’s obvious they don’t care if what they’re saying is stupid.

5. You know what someone means when they talk about glassy-winged sharpshooters and vectors, and you aren’t embarrassed by it.

6. You interrupt conversations to offer your insight into odd grapes like ugni blanc or marquette, and you get that kind but dotty old man look when you do.

7. You make a pop culture reference in one of your El Centro wine classes, and you get that kind but dotty old man look when you do. Honestly, does knowing who Catherine Deneuve is make me that out of touch?

8. You get a news release from someone touting a wine, and you realize you first tasted that wine before the person who wrote the release was born.

Thanks, Drinky the Robot — the WC will never have to drink alone

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

drinky the robotOne of the perils of being the Wine Curmudgeon is that, eventually, I will alienate everyone in the wine business — if I haven’t already. Like with this. Or this. Or even this. Which means there won’t be anyone left to drink with me. Fortunately, a Korean inventor has solved my problem with Drinky the Robot, and I am more than grateful.

Eunchan Park created Drinky because — and I know his pain — he didn’t have anyone to drink with. “I had no girlfriend at that time,” Park wrote. “Drinking alone was definitely terrible!” Of course it is, if only because there is no one to commiserate with.

So here’s to you and Drinky, Eunchan Park. And Drinky and I will get along. First, he does the Mike Nesmith look, which men of a certain age have always appreciated. Second, though the robot can’t talk, it can dance and give a thumb’s up. What more could I ask for every time I whine about scores, complain that the wine has too much alcohol, or that some focus group has decided that it should be overoaked?

2016 Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

Do-it-yourself New Year ?s wine resolutionsThe new year means it’s time for the Wine Curmudgeon’s third annual Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions. Just click on the drop-down menus and select your wine resolutions for 2016. Those who get the blog via email or RSS may have to go the website to use the menus. The 2016 $10 Hall of Fame will post on Friday.

In 2016, I’m going to drink:

In 2016, sweet red wine will:

In 2016, I’m going to buy local wine:

In 2016, the most important wine trend will be:

In 2016, I will buy:

More New Year ?s wine resolutions:
? Do-it-yourself New Year ?s wine resolutions 2015
? Do-it-yourself New Year ?s wine resolutions 2014

The Comet Lovejoy wine phenomenon

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

comet lovejoy wine
But how do they get a bottling line up there?

Astronomers were surprised to find that some comets produce alcohol, as well as sugar, as they travel around the solar system. “We found that comet Lovejoy was releasing as much alcohol as in at least 500 bottles of wine every second during its peak activity,” said Nicolas Biver of the Paris Observatory in France.

This is huge news, given that one theory supposes that comets crashing into the the Earth 3.8 billion years brought with them the carbon-based organic molecules, like alcohol and sugar, that may have jump-started life on our planet. Which is all well and good, but comet Lovejoy wine raises equally important questions for those of us who worry about those things:

? Do the comets know about the three-tier system? Lovejoy was producing the equivalent of 150,000 cases an hour, and we all know that the country’s distributors aren’t going to let that happen without them. They’ve paid entirely too much money to state legislators to let a comet ruin things. And I can only imagine the horror if Lovejoy passed anywhere near Pennsylvania, with its state store system.

? Will E&J Gallo, the Big Wine producer that has made hundreds of millions of dollars of acquisitions this year, buy the comet to add to its portfolio? A sweet Lovejoy red, since the comet threw off sugar, would slide in nicely next to Gallo brands like Apothic and Barefoot on grocery store shelves. And how could a back label that said “Comet Lovejoy wine — out of this world” miss?

? Can the Winestream Media adapt its tasting notes to comet-produced wine? Toasty and oaky, given how cold it is in space, just aren’t going to work. Maybe something like “hints of vacuum linger on the finish”? And how do you a score a comet wine? Does it get 92 points just because it’s from a comet? Or do you take points off for that, since outer space is not Napa Valley?

Photo courtesy of Adam Block Photos, using a Creative Commons license

Great quotes in wine history: Sally Field

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

How does Sally Field feel about her friends telling her that it’s OK to drink whatever wine she wants, and that they won’t hold her choices — as cheap as they may be — against her?.

A tip o’ the Wine Curmudgeon’s fedora to the Dedoimedo website; this post is based on his “My reaction to — ” series. The video is courtesy of Getbloopit via YouTube.

A toast to Joe Maddon and the Chicago Cubs

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

joe maddonDear Joe:

OK, so I was wrong. The Cubs — my beloved, wretched, soul-crushing Cubs, who make existential angst seem like a pleasant spring day — made it to the National League playoffs this year. It doesn’t even matter that they clinched a wild card spot when they lost. Or that it will probably be the second wild card spot. Who am I, after more than a century of futility, to be picky?

So, as promised, I owe you a bottle of nice wine. I realize, in our first communication, that I wasn’t clear about the process, and that it seemed I would only pay up if the Cubs won the World Series. That’s mostly because I didn’t expect the Cubs to make the playoffs this year, not with this lineup — a bullpen about an arm and a half short, bald spots in the lineup in centerfield and at shortstop, and too many young, inexperienced players who should have frazzled as the season progressed.

But you did it. Somehow, you managed this team — where one of the shortstops could neither catch nor hit, and more than once reminded me of Roy Smalley Sr. — to the playoffs. I am speechless at that feat, and anyone who knows me will tell you that that happens about as often as the Cubs make the playoffs. Apparently, you are as gifted a manager as the sportswriters say you are, and that your work this season in juggling lineups, caressing egos, offering encouragement, and providing the occasional firm hand was what the Cubs needed. Even more impressive is that you knew they needed it, something only the best managers know. And who usually work for the hated St. Louis Cardinals.

So, which wine? I’d like to hold off on the white Burgundy and the Corton I mentioned before unless the Cubs win the World Series. Otherwise, you tell me. I tasted some terrific Texas wine over the weekend when I was in Lubbock for a story, and there are some interesting California wines you might not know that would work. And we couldn’t go wrong with an Oregon pinot noir, either. But no Champagne, in case you’re wondering.

So, if you get a minute between preparing for the playoffs, let me know. Otherwise, I can wait until the season ends. Which, hopefully, won’t be for another six weeks or so, and I will need to buy the Corton..

Yours in 107 years of Cubs futility (but maybe not much longer),
The Wine Curmudgeon