Category:Wine humor

Great quotes in wine history: George Harrison

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

George HarrisonGeorge Harrison’s reaction when he is asked what he thinks of a well-known member of the Winestream Media, whose word he is supposed to take as gospel about what to drink.

And “Dead grotty, too.”

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A tip o’ the Wine Curmudgeon’s fedora to the Dedoimedo website; this post is based on his “My reaction to — ” series. The video is courtesy of Life Goes On via YouTube.

Great quotes in wine history: David Banner

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

David Banner, explaining what will happen if he is forced to buy overpriced 92-point wine with too much oak and high alcohol. Of course, the fellow in the tie from the Winestream Media doesn’t believe him, and we know what happens next.

A tip o ? the Wine Curmudgeon ?s fedora to the Dedoimedo website; this post is based on his ?My reaction to ? ? series. The video is courtesy of Ant Man via YouTube.

Adding new wine terms to the dictionary

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

new wine termsWine is famous for using terms that no one can understand, so why not invent even more? Because the last thing we want to do is to help ordinary wine drinkers understand what’s going on, right? Hence, these new wine terms. (And I swear I made all of them up. Honest.)

? The ukelele: Someone who proclaims each new wine as the greatest ever — until the next trend comes along. Always forwarding articles from the Internet about Greek and Georgian wine, as well as gruner veltliner.

? “Let’s reboot this brand:” Favorite phrase of wise guy wine marketers who think changing the label and charging $4 more for ordinary grocery store wine will fool consumers and convince industry that premiumization is the next big thing.

? The wanker: Wine drinker, usually a man, who can find a flaw in every wine he has ever tasted. Also prone to proclaiming that the previous vintage of a wine was much better than the current vintage, even though he said the same thing when the previous vintage was the current vintage.

? The whiffet: Someone who always apologizes for the wine they drink, regardless of quality, and is constantly saying things like, “I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about wine.”

? “Running up the score:” Used to describe ratings-obsessed wine drinker who always adds points to whatever he bought (also usually a man), as in “Yeah, that Parker 97 was awesome, and I got such a deal on it” when it was actually a 92, the points were given by a clerk at his local retailer, and it cost $13.

? Scrooge McWine: Wine drinker (and again usually a man) who says loudly and often that all wine is overpriced, regardless of whether it costs $100 or $5. Sometimes, but not always, a wanker.

Image courtesy of Wine Ponder, using a Creative Commons license

Great quotes in wine history: Emily Litella

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

The reaction of Saturday Night Live’s Emily Litella after reporting the news — which, of course, she got wrong — that the Wine Curmudgeon was no longer going to write about cheap wine, but would switch to the most expensive wine he could find, and especially if he got it as a sample.

A tip o’ the Wine Curmudgeon’s fedora to the Dedoimedo website; this post is based on his “My reaction to — ” series. The video is courtesy of sandysperfectpaws via YouTube.

Great quotes in wine history: Monty Python

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

monty pythonWhat happens when a wine drinker doesn’t pay attention to scores and what the Winestream Media tells them to drink? It’s the last thing they expect.

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A tip o’ the Wine Curmudgeon’s fedora to the Dedoimedo website; this post is based on his ?My reaction to ? ? series. The video is courtesy of jumperbean2 via YouTube.

The second ultimate do-it-yourself wine review

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

wine reviewOne of the Wine Curmudgeon’s goals, which says a lot about my perspective, is to make wine writing unnecessary. If I do a good enough of job teaching people about wine with the book, on the blog, and in the classroom, then we won’t need the Winestream Media, its indecipherable tasting notes, its fawning over wine no one can buy, and its arrogance. After that, of course, I’ll start working on world peace.

Until then, you can write your own wine review, using the handy drop-down menus in this post. Those of you who get the blog via email or on Facebook may have to go the website — click here to do so. And, if you like this one, you can go here and complete the first ultimate do-it-yourself wine review.

This wine is

It tastes

One thing I did notice:

I think the wine would pair with

I liked the wine well enough, but

I suppose I have to give it a score, so

Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

wine spectatorThe Wine Spectator, in a stunning reversal of policy, announced today that it will only review wines that people can buy, ending a decades-long practice where it preferred to critique wine made in such small quantities that there were never any for sale.

“Frankly, when we started to think about it, it seemed kind of silly to review wines that weren’t in stores,” said a magazine spokeswoman. “Yes, there was a certain cachet to do wines in the Spectator where the producer only made three cases, because it showed how much better we were than everyone else. Because we are much better than everyone else. But, in the end, we are a wine review magazine, and if our readers can’t buy the wines we review, there isn’t much reason for us to exist, is there?”

The new availability policy, said the spokeswoman, was based on the one used by legendary Internet blogger Jeff Siegel, the Wine Curmudgeon. Siegel, who declined to be interviewed for this story, uses what he calls general availability: He only reviews wines that consumers can find in a quality wine shop in a medium-sized city. Said the spokeswoman: “Considering how much fun he makes of us, and that he is has no credibility because he is an Internet blogger, Siegel’s policy seems quite practical. Just don’t tell him we stole it.”

Reaction from the wine world was immediate:

• A host of cult wines in the Napa Valley, whose production rarely exceeds 100 cases each, announced plans to increase the amount of wine they make so they can be reviewed. “If we’re not in the Spectator, what’s the point of making wine?” asked one winery owner, a Silicon Valley zillionaire. “It’s not like I care about the wine. I just want my friends to be jealous when they see my wine, which they can’t buy, got a 99.”

• Several other wine magazines said they would follow suit, although the Wine Advocate said it would use availability in China as its threshold. “Listen, when you pay as much money for the Advocate as we did,” said a co-owner, “you really don’t care if anyone can buy the wine in Omaha.”

• The country’s largest retailers, including Costco and Walmart, made plans for special Wine Spectator sections in their wine departments, now that the Spectator would review most of the wine that they carry. “They’re already selling some wine for us with their scores and shelf talkers,” said one retailer. “So why not just get rid of the pretense and let them do all the work?”

More April 1 wine news:
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas
• California secedes from U.S. — becomes its own wine country