“If I sniff out the damned eggs, do I still need to wear this stupid hat?”
Churro, the blog’s associate editor, is well suited to help save grapevines from the spotted lanternfly
Churro, the blog’s associate editor. resident Millennial, and free speech advocate, will now be able to do one more thing to help save the wine business.
He can be trained to find the eggs of the spotted lanternfly, another of the many pests that destroy grapevines.
The project, which started at Texas Tech in Lubbock in Texas’ High Plains wine region a couple of years ago, aims to use dogs to sniff out spotted lanternfly eggs. Dogs, with their keen nose, can smell the scent the eggs apparently give off. I asked Churro about this, and – like the Millennial that he is – he gave me one of those looks.
“Of course I can smell the eggs if I want to,” he said. “That’s not the question. The question is: ‘Why should I?’ “
The Virginia Tech researchers anticipated this, and dogs are trained by rewarding them if they sniff out the eggs. If the dogs find the eggs – which are usually laid on the underside of plants – the dogs get a treat.
I should mention here that Churro, who is a Chihuahua mix, is a fine scent hound; he can unearth old fast food wrappers, bird droppings, and clumps of fresh grass without any trouble at all. So I don’t think nosing for lanternfly eggs would present a problem.
Rather, the biggest difficulty would be – as one of the researchers noted – that scent training may lead to “positive behavioral changes.” And, if anyone knows anything about Chihuahuas, that’s the last thing they’re interested in.
Comedian Michael McIntyre’s take on ordering wine in a restaurant
This, from the British comic Michael McIntyre, is both funny and terrifying — because it’s all too true: “We know red color and white color, but we pretend we all know a great deal more. … Ignore all the words, and focus on the prices.”
And, as he points out, the restaurant staff, wine list, and all the rest isn’t much help. Not that the WC has ever experienced that.
“I hope you haven’t run out of that natural, plant-based wine.”
Big Wine consortium will launch a line of plant-based wines
The three biggest U.S. wine companies, which control almost half of the American market, will announce on April 1 that their consortium — The GalTrinWine Group – will launch a line of plant-based wines.
Said a consortium spokeswoman: “We have done the studies and we have the data, and we can see that the U.S. wine consumer wants to drink healthier – and what’s more healthy than wine made with plants?”
The new brand is called Grape Juice, which the spokeswoman said emphasizes the wine’s natural-ness. “What’s more natural than wine made with grapes?” she asked. “This is a concept that really resonated with our focus groups.”
The Grape Juice wines will carry a suggested retail price of $18 and include most of the major varietals, plus red and white blends. They will be vegetarian and vegan, contain only 125 calories, and focus on low sugar and low alcohol.
“The price is the sweet spot for the lifestyle wine drinker, someone who cares about what they put in their body but knows that they need to spend more to drink better,” said the spokeswoman. “And the calorie count, as well as low sugar and low alcohol, are what makes the Grape Juice wines unique.”
Reaction from the wine industry was swift and enthusiastic. Several leading wine marketers applauded the new brand, saying it was just the thing to connect with younger consumers. Said one: “Who needs ingredient labels when you have forward-thinking producers like GalTrinWine hitting a home run with a product like this?”
And the Winestream Media was even more enthusiastic. One leading website made a special podcast to praise the new product. “If we like this new wine, and we’re so hip and cool,” said the host, “then everyone will like it, won’t they?”
Legendary wine blogger Jeff Siegel, the Wine Curmudgeon, declined to comment. However, a person close to Siegel said he was sitting in a dark corner, mumbling something that sounded like, “Now you know why I worry about the future of the wine business,” over and over.
Who needs horror movies when there’s always a wine bottle workout lurking in the shadows?
Yes, we have to deal with consolidation, too high prices, premiumization and all the rest that is wreaking havoc with wine. But that may not be the worst scourge facing us.
It may well be the return of the wine bottle workout.
In other words, wine has a horror movie all of its own making, perhaps even more terrifying than “M3gan.”
The WC thought he had put a stake through this monster almost six years ago, but apparently not. So find your crosses, load up on garlic, stock up on silver buckshot, and sharpen those stakes again. Even worse: I can’t tell if this is a joke or not; it is an ingenious use of a Carlo Rossi bottle, yes?
“It’s OK. We’ll find a way to get ingredient labels on wine.”
The Wine Curmudgeon’s 10th annual Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions. Let’s start 2023 off with a few giggles.
Just click on the drop-down menus and select your wine resolutions for the new year. And, as always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him — and he has never once complained (and still has to write about the Cubs).
“Wow. Give the WC a billion dollars and look what he’ll do.”
The WC’s very modest plan to use $1 billion to fix some of what’s broken in wine
The Wine Curmudgeon does not buy lottery tickets, even when the jackpot is $1 billion. I’d rather take my chance on a $10 bottle of wine; the odds that I will enjoy the wine are much, much better than the odds I’ll win any lottery prize.
Having said that, this week’s Powerball jackpot was in the billions. Which made me wonder: What would I do if I won the lottery and had enough money to force the wine business to change some of the ways it did things? Since, of course, not even a billion dollars can end premimuization or get us ingredient and nutrition labels.
So, perhaps:
• Require all sweet red wines to say sweet red wine on the label, no matter how much they cost.
• Require that every bottle of wine list the wholesaler markup; that is, a price tag with the retail price — $12 – and that it includes $3 for the wholesaler. That will get rid of three-tier, won’t it?
• Require that the Winestream Media take local wine seriously. Or I won’t let them use scores anymore.
• Screwcaps, baby!
• No more castles or chateaux on wine labels. The exception would be wineries that actually are in castles and chateaux. Since hardly any are.
• No more YouTube tasting videos with guys sitting around sniffing and swirling and talking like they came out of the wine movie that is not mentioned on the blog.
• No more high alcohol wines made not because growing conditions require high alcohol, but because the winemaker knows that’s the surest way to get 92 points. I mean it. Or else no more scores.
Kirk? Picard? Just different — the result is the same, and when it comes to saving $10 wine, that’s what matters.
The WC’s Halloween wine tale returns after a five-year absence: The USS Wine Curmudgeon must cross the three-tier zone to rescue a shipload of $10 wine from the clutches of the Imperial Distributor Empire
Captain’s log, Stardate 3554.1: Just six hours ago, the USS Wine Curmudgeon crew was enjoying some much deserved shore leave with Gascon whites and Spanish roses when a message from Admiral McMillan sent us to the edge of the three-tier zone.
“Captain, a New Orleanian trader named McNally claims he has a shipload of quality $10 California red and white wine, and he is willing to sell it to us. But we have to meet his ship on the Imperial Distributor Empire side of the three-tier zone to get it.”
“Admiral, with all due respect, and I understand that a shipload of quality $10 California red and white wine is among the rarest things in the Federation. But this sounds like a trap.”
“Agreed, Captain. But if we can bring that wine into the Federation, it will change the balance of power in the quadrant. So WineFleet has agreed to take the chance. Meet McNally and bring back that wine.”
•
“Captain, I know McNally has helped us out in the past,” said my first officer, Cmdr. Bratcher. “But cross the three-tier zone? That could start a war. And the Imperial Distributor Empire has enough lawyers to fight it – and to win it.”
“True, No. 1. But orders are orders.”
Dr. Marmon signaled from sick bay. “Captain, is it true? We’re crossing the three-tier zone?”
“Yes, Bones.”
“Well, Captain, I hope you know what you’re doing. I’m a physician, not a winemaker.”
The tension on the bridge was as thick as a 15.5 percent Aussie shiraz. Lt. Tish, at the helm, looked at me.
“Mr. Tish, set course for the rendezvous coordinates inside the three-tier zone. Lt. Carter, ready phasers and photon torpedoes. Mr. Bileti, engage – and let’s see if we can find some quality $10 wine.”
•
Three hours deep inside the three-tier zone, but no sign of McNally’s ship.
“What do you see on the sensors, Mr. Tish?”
“Not a thing, Captain.”
And then we didn’t need the sensors. Four Imperial Distributor Empire winebirds uncloaked around us, and we were surrounded.
“Lt. Carter, shields up. Go to red alert.” I signaled engineering: “Mr. McIntyre, we may need those warp engines at any second. Be ready.”
“Aye, Captain,” said Mac. “I can give you any second, and maybe a wee bit more.”
“We’re being hailed, Captain.”
“Put it on the screen, Lt. Carter.”
“Greetings, Captain. I am Chief Operating Officer Markup, commanding the Imperial Distributor Empire flagship Monopoly. It’s an honor to meet you – we’ve heard so much about the USS Wine Curmudgeon. May I ask what you’re doing so far inside the three-tier zone?”
“Thank you, Chief Operating Officer. We’re answering a distress call. … from a trader named McNally.”
“Ah,” said Markup. “Yes, poor McNally. I’m afraid you’re too late. He had a mishap with too much smoke-tainted Napa cabernet.” And then Markup smiled, but there was nothing pleasant in the way he did it.
“I’ve been waiting a long time for this,” said Markup. “Captain, you will lower your shields and surrender. And the Imperial Distributor Empire will never have to put up with your foolishness again.”
I motioned Carter to cut the transmission.
“Options?” I asked.
“Fire the phasers and photon torpedoes,” said Carter. “They have no honor.”
“Maybe we can negotiate with them, Captain,” said Bileti. “That’s better than getting blasted.”
“True, Mr. Bileti. But I don’t relish the prospect of spending the rest of my life drinking $45 pinot noir that doesn’t have much pinot noir in it.”
Then Bratcher raised his eyebrows, and I knew we might have a way out. “Captain,” he said, “I seem to recall a similar situation on planet Lubbock, when we ran into a little trouble with the local authorities.”
“We did indeed, No. 1, we did indeed.” And then I grinned.
•
Markup was no longer smiling when we resumed the transmission. “Well, Captain?”
“I have a deal to offer you, Chief Operating Officer. We have a shipment of rare red Bordeaux, worth thousands of dollars a bottle, and rated 101 points – and by two critics. How about a trade? Our wine for McNally’s $10 wine? Who on your side of the three-tier zone is going miss a little $10 wine? And imagine how much you can inflate the margins on that Bordeaux – and how pleased the Imperial Distributor Empire will be.”
“101 points? Really? And from two critics?”
I named the critics – and Markup looked like he was going to drool through the screen.
“Well,” he said, “I don’t know. …”
“Then I guess you’ll just have to blow us up,” I said, and motioned to Carter to cut the transmission.
“Go ahead, No. 1, you know what to do.” And Bratcher headed off the bridge toward No. 2 transporter station.
Then I signaled Mac. “Commander, we’re not only going to need that extra second, but you’ll have to time a transporter exchange perfectly and then give us warp 7 faster than anyone has ever done it.”
“Aye, Captain,” he said. “Faster than anyone has done it, and maybe a wee bit more.”
•
“All right,” said Markup when we resumed transmission. “It’s a deal. But I want to see the goods first.”
“No. 1, transport a bottle of wine to the Monopoly.”
Markup was handed the wine. He took out a corkscrew, struggled a bit, pulled the cork, smelled the wine. “Is that a tobacco humidor? Is that savory red licorice? Is that – and I can’t believe this – is that barely ripe black currant?”
“It’s all yours,” I said. “We’ll drop shields at the same time, transport the wine at the same time, and each go on our way.”
“Done,” said Markup, and he made hand signals to several crew members on his bridge.
“Now, Mac,” I said. “Now, because if you don’t do it now, it’s too late.”
The transporter flashed, and then the ship seemed to lurch for a split second – but went to warp almost before the lurch ended. And as we headed out of the three-tier zone, there was a blink in the distance.
“Something on my sensors,” said Tish. “No, it’s not there anymore. And the Monopoly. … it’s not there anymore, either. It just vanished.”
“Indeed,” said Bratcher, who had returned to the bridge. “Captain, how could that happen?”
“Well, No. 1,” I said, “could there have been something wrong with the wine? Anything that scores 101 points isn’t going to be very stable, is it? And especially if some of it is laced with anti-matter that we’ve been saving since that incident on planet Lubbock. Try to transport it, and who knows how big the explosion will be?”
“That’s all well and good, Captain,” said Carter, “and I understand they would have destroyed us regardless, so you had to use the anti-matter. But how did you know Markup would go for the trade? The Imperial Distributor Empire is supposed to have the savviest business executives in the quadrant.”
“Well, Carter, it’s like you said earlier. Show them 101 points and inflated margins, and they forget about everything else. That’s when happens when you have no honor.” Cue theme music
A tip o’ the Curmudgeon’s fedora to Star Trek and Gene Roddenberry — because, frankly, he knew what he was doing. How often do decades-old TV shows still matter? I had pretty much given up writing a Halloween parody for the blog when this came to me. And the names of the crew? Purely a coincidence if they sound like the names of anyone I know.
by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On
