Tag Archives: April Fool’s wine post

April Fool’s wine post 2023

Wine shoppers standing at counter
“I hope you haven’t run out of that natural, plant-based wine.”

Big Wine consortium will launch a line of plant-based wines

The three biggest U.S. wine companies, which control almost half of the American market, will announce on April 1 that their consortium — The GalTrinWine Group – will launch a line of plant-based wines.

Said a consortium spokeswoman: “We have done the studies and we have the data, and we can see that the U.S. wine consumer wants to drink healthier – and what’s more healthy than wine made with plants?”

The new brand is called Grape Juice, which the spokeswoman said emphasizes the wine’s natural-ness. “What’s more natural than wine made with grapes?” she asked. “This is a concept that really resonated with our focus groups.”

The Grape Juice wines will carry a suggested retail price of $18 and include most of the major varietals, plus red and white blends. They will be vegetarian and vegan, contain only 125 calories, and focus on low sugar and low alcohol.

“The price is the sweet spot for the lifestyle wine drinker, someone who cares about what they put in their body but knows that they need to spend more to drink better,” said the spokeswoman. “And the calorie count, as well as low sugar and low alcohol, are what makes the Grape Juice wines unique.”

Reaction from the wine industry was swift and enthusiastic. Several leading wine marketers applauded the new brand, saying it was just the thing to connect with younger consumers. Said one: “Who needs ingredient labels when you have forward-thinking producers like GalTrinWine hitting a home run with a product like this?”

And the Winestream Media was even more enthusiastic. One leading website made a special podcast to praise the new product. “If we like this new wine, and we’re so hip and cool,” said the host, “then everyone will like it, won’t they?”

Legendary wine blogger Jeff Siegel, the Wine Curmudgeon, declined to comment. However, a person close to Siegel said he was sitting in a dark corner, mumbling something that sounded like, “Now you know why I worry about the future of the wine business,” over and over.

Photo: “The state-run wine shop” by James Cridland is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

April Fool’s 2022 wine post

paid posts
“Bump up the score a couple of points. No one who isn’t in the business will know we did it.”

This time, reality is more bizarre than anything the WC could make up for April Fool’s

I was thinking about reviving the blog’s April Fool’s tradition this year, but before I could write a post, I saw this:

“I don’t want to point fingers at anyone else’s business in particular, but people don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes of so many wine criticism publications, unless you’re in the business, and then you are like, ‘oh my God.’ ”

That is from Lisa Perroti-Brown MW, the former editor of the Wine Advocate. She has started a new wine magazine called The Wine Independent because, “Oh, my God,” none of the others are.

The wine world may be collapsing around us – to say nothing of what’s happening in the larger world – and we’re going to get yet another wine magazine aimed at old white guys because none of the rest are objective.

Talk about April Fool’s.

The Winestream Media mostly reported the news of this with a straight face, and I’ve resisted the impulse to say anything about people in glass houses. Or to note that, yes, wine drinkers do know what she’s talking about. As one of the blog’s readers has pointed out, “No one is paying [the WC] for favorable press.”

Rather, what’s so bizarre about the move is that someone (or several someones) is investing millions of dollars in a wine magazine at a time when interest in wine may be at a 40-year low.

This speaks to wine’s inability to notice what’s going on around it, something I’ve had to write about so many times that it’s depressing that I have to do it again. Or, as I’ve joked — also too many times: The wine business will keep selling expensive wine to the Baby Boomers until the last one is dead, and only then will someone ask, “Hey … what happened to all the wine drinkers?”

So here are the six April Fool’s wine posts; as clever as they are, I’m not sure any is as clever as the launch of The Wine Independent:
• Wine Curmudgeon will sell blog to Wine Spectator
• Big Wine to become one company
• Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas
• California secedes from U.S. — becomes its own wine country

 

April Fool’s 2021 wine post

april fool's
Yes, an April Fool’s joke. What else could it be?

The April Fool’s wine post is a hallowed blog tradition

I want to dedicate this year’s re-posting of the blog’s April Fool’s posts to my long-time pal, wine raconteur, and really sharp guy, Billy Tisherman. Tish, as he is known, was the impetus for the first post in 2013, part of a cross-posting of April 1 spoofs and satires from wine writers across the country.

So enjoy, Tish. This one’s for you.

Here are the six April Fool’s wine posts, which remain sadly relevant despite their age.

The blog’s April Fool’s wine posts:
• Wine Curmudgeon will sell blog to Wine Spectator
• Big Wine to become one company
• Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas
• California secedes from U.S. — becomes its own wine country

April Fool’s 2020 wine post

April fool's wine post
“I can’t tell which of these posts are April Fool’s and which are true.”

A hallowed blog tradition: The April Fool’s wine post

The blog’s April Fool’s post, which ran from 2013 to 2018, was always well-read and well-received. I stopped writing it for a couple of reasons: First, too many people thought the posts were true. And what does that say about the wine business?

Second, because wine kept getting weirder than any post I could write. The Wine Clip magnetic wine conditioner, anyone?

But that doesn’t mean we still can’t laugh at the six April Fool’s wine posts. They’re still relevant (even if some of the names have changed) and they’re still funny.

The blog’s April Fool’s wine posts:
• Wine Curmudgeon will sell blog to Wine Spectator
• Big Wine to become one company
• Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas
• California secedes from U.S. — becomes its own wine country

April Fool’s 2019 wine post

A hallowed blog tradition: The April Fool’s wine post

One of the blog’s traditions ended last year when I didn’t write an April Fool’s post. As I noted in 2018, “in a wine world where critically acclaimed, $25 wine can contain fake oak, a boost in color from something like Mega Purple, and tree sap, who needs to celebrate April 1 just once a year? Every day can be April Fool’s Day.”

Or if that’s not enough, how about the Blendtique — AS SEEN ON SHARK TANK!!!!!! For $90, you get four 1/2-sized bottles of wine, a flask, and a pipette so you can blend the four wines to your heart’s content. Why this costs $90, when you can do the same thing with a couple of glasses and wine at the house, is beyond me. But I’m not rich or smart enough to be on Shark Tank, so what do I know?

Hence, while I’m in Amsterdam judging a grocery store wine competition this week — really — here are links to the six previous April Fool’s wine posts. They’re still funny and still relevant (even if some of the names have changed). And, most importantly, no mater how many people thought they were real, they aren’t. We have the Blendtique for that.

The blog’s April Fool’s wine posts:
• Wine Curmudgeon will sell blog to Wine Spectator
• Big Wine to become one company
• Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas
• California secedes from U.S. — becomes its own wine country