Tag Archives: wine humor

wine critics

The seventh annual do-it-yourself wine review

wine reviews
Let’s see: “This rose tastes like a red when you close your eyes.” Now that’s wine writing!

The blog’s seventh annual do-it-yourself wine review — because no matter how much we hope otherwise, wine remains entirely too pompous

The do-it-yourself wine review has long been one of my favorite blog features, allowing me to prick wine’s pomposity, get some humor on the site, and pretend I know how to use HTML.

This year: Four rose wine reviews, and yes, I sort of stole most of the answers from actual reviews. As always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him all those years ago.

This year, you’ll need to go to the old website to enjoy the post, since Substack doesn’t allow the necessary coding. So follow this link, and then click the drop-down menu and choose your favorite line.

 

This California rose:

This French rose:

This Italian rose:

This Spanish rose:

More do-it-yourself wine reviews:
• The sixth do-it-yourself wine review
• The fifth do-it-yourself wine review
• The fourth do-it-yourself wine review

holiday wine video

Worf: “I will accept premiumization”

The Klingon Empire may descend into civil war — unless Worf accepts premiumization

The Klingon civil war episodes are among the highlights of “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Who can forget K’Ehleyr’s death scene, with Worf and his son, Alexander, howling over her body? Says Worf: “You have never seen death? Then look… and always remember.”

Which brings us to cheap wine. Worf must stand up for his family’s honor, the empire, and quality and value and to oppose the nefarious Duras. There is just one choice: “I will accept premiumization.” Duras wants to ruin Worf so Duras’ family can rule the empire, and his plan includes an alliance with the Romulans to raise prices of supermarket wine for no reason save dishonor. In other words, premiumization.

This parody comes from “TNG’s “Sins of the Father,” the 17th episode of the third season. What’s not to like? Worf learns he has a younger brother who is about as Klingon as they come; Picard gets in a knife fight; and Patrick Stewart gets to say the Klingon word, “Cha’DIch,” making it sound like something from “Macbeth.” Plus, Patrick Massett’s Duras is wonderfully slimy, someone who eventually gets what he deserves.

My apologies to all in the cast featured here, and especially the great Michael Dorn (as well as Star Trek impresario Gene Roddenberry). A tip o’ the WC’s fedora to Garrin Burch on YouTube, where I found the original scene, as well as Star Trek Transcripts, which has the original dialogue. And all silliness like this owes a debt to WineParody, whose Robert Parker epic is the standard by which these efforts are judged.

Make sure you turn captions on when you watch the video; you can make the captions bigger or change their color by clicking on the settings gear on the lower right.

Churro, the blog’s associate editor, contributed to this post. He handled the Klingon translations.

More wine and film parodies:
• Robin Hood
• Enter the Dragon
• Star Trek

Alexa, who is the Wine Curmudgeon?

Alexa
“Hmmm, I don’t know that one.”

There’s viral, there’s Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes of fame, and then there’s Alexa

Alexa, who is the Wine Curmudgeon?

“This is what I found on Wikipedia: Curmudgeon is an American-brewed old Ale.

No, Alexa. The Wine Curmudgeon. Who is the Wine Curmudgeon?

“Hmmm, I don’t know that one.”

OK, Alexa. Who is Robert Parker?

“According to Wikipedia, Robert Parker is a U.S. wine critic. … He is the mostly widely known wine critic in the world.”

OK, Alexa, so who is the Wine Curmudgeon?

“Hmmm, I don’t know that one.”

Sigh. OK, Alexa. Who is Jancis Robinson?

“Jancis Robinson is a new Liverpool poet.”

Really? That must be news to her. So who is the Wine Curmudgeon?

“Hmmm, I don’t know that one.”

OK, Alexa. So who is Eric Asimov?

“Eric Asimov is a wine and food critic for the New York Times. … He is the sister of Nannette Asimov, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle.”

No kidding. So who is the Wine Curmudgeon?

“Hmmm, I don’t know that one.”

Alexa, here’s an easy one. Who is Dave McIntyre?

“Dave McIntyre is the author of 10 books, including The Fall series.”

Wow. He never told me that. So, Alexa, one more time: Who is the Wine Curmudgeon?

“Hmmm, I don’t know that one. But if you are ready to celebrate national Star Wars Day, I am the droid for you.”

Churro, the blog’s associate editor, contributed to this post

April Fool’s 2021 wine post

april fool's
Yes, an April Fool’s joke. What else could it be?

The April Fool’s wine post is a hallowed blog tradition

I want to dedicate this year’s re-posting of the blog’s April Fool’s posts to my long-time pal, wine raconteur, and really sharp guy, Billy Tisherman. Tish, as he is known, was the impetus for the first post in 2013, part of a cross-posting of April 1 spoofs and satires from wine writers across the country.

So enjoy, Tish. This one’s for you.

Here are the six April Fool’s wine posts, which remain sadly relevant despite their age.

The blog’s April Fool’s wine posts:
• Wine Curmudgeon will sell blog to Wine Spectator
• Big Wine to become one company
• Wine Spectator: If you can’t buy it, we won’t review it
• Supreme Court: Regulate wine writing through three-tier system
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas
• California secedes from U.S. — becomes its own wine country

Taking wine pairings in a more appropriate direction

Wine pairings: What goes with crying alone to Netflix?

 

The wine world spends entirely too much time on wine pairings, and even the Wine Curmudgeon is sometimes guilty of this. Hence, I was pleased to see this much more realistic – because it’s not about food – take on wine pairings, courtesy of the CBC’s Baroness Von Sketch show.

The bit is a trifle long, but it makes its point with a smile and a giggle – and in the finest tradition of Canadian sketch comedy, dating to SCTV (where the great Eugene Levy made his bones).

Because who ever considered pairing wine with crying alone to Netflix? Or something for a long, meandering fight with a boyfriend? Or box wines for making a reckless on-line purchase?

Video courtesy of CBC Comedy via YouTube

 

Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2021

wine resolutions 2021The Wine Curmudgeon’s eighth annual, Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2021. Because, Dry January — and who knew it would ever be a thing?

Just click on the drop-down menus and select your wine resolutions 2021 for the new year. Those who get the blog via email or RSS may need to click this link to go the blog to use the menus. (As always, thanks to Al Yellon, since I stole the idea from him.)

In 2021, my wine buying will:

In 2021, I’ll try different kinds of wines:

In 2021, I’ll pay more attention to wine and health:

In 2021, I will buy more wine on-line:

In 2021, I think wine will:

More New Year’s wine resolutions:
• Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2020
• Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2019
• Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2018

Photo: “New Years Resolutions (1/52)” by lucidtech is licensed under CC BY 2.0

The cheap wine versions of “A Christmas Carol” and ” ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”

cheap wine
“Oh boy, the WC’s version of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.”

Who else but the WC could transform two holiday classics into something about cheap wine?

Yes, each of these has appeared beefore — but the holidays are about tradition, yes? So enjoy.

• From 2019: Scrooge discovers the ghosts of cheap wine past

• From 2018: “And I heard him exclaim, ere he typed out of sight. … Quality cheap wine to all, and to all a good night!”

Photo courtesy of Sensory Processing Disorder Parent Support, using a Creative Commons license