Category:Wine humor

2018 Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

Do-it-yourself New Year's wine resolutions
The Wine Curmudgeon’s fifth annual Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions — because some things about the wine business never change no matter how much we wish they did.

Just click on the drop-down menus and select your wine resolutions for the new year. Those who get the blog via email or RSS may need to click this link to go the blog to use the menus.

In 2018, I’m going to drink:

In 2018, I’ll try to educate myself about wine:

In 2018, I’m going to drink more rose:

In 2018, I’m going to make wine part of a healthy lifestyle:

In 2018, I will buy:

More New Year’s wine resolutions:
• Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2017
• Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2016
• Do-it-yourself New Year’s wine resolutions 2015

By any other name: What do we call legalized marijuana?

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

legalized marijuana
Much, much too Grateful Dead.

We need a better term for legalized marijuana, since it looks to be here to stay – and to give wine a run for its money (pun fully intended)

What are we going to call legalized marijuana, now that it’s for sale in one form or another in more than half the states?The news media uses recreational marijuana, which is not only awkward but sounds like something on a children’s playground. “Come on, kids, lets go ride the recreational marijuana.”

Hence, the need for a better term. Although the Wine Curmudgeon doesn’t partake (wine, bourbon, and rye being my vices), I have extensive experience with Cheech & Chong, the old National Lampoon magazine, and Jack Webb’s rants on the subject.

That’s because legalized marijuana is going to appear on the blog as it contends with wine not just for market share, but for consumer hearts and minds. And don’t forget Big Pot. My goal is to find a synonym to use that will be easily identified:

• Reefer. Too 1950s, and especially for anyone who knows “Reefer Madness.”

• Dope. My personal favorite, but probably too 1970s.

• Mary Jane. Too beatnik.

• Weed. Probably the best term to use. It has a long history as a marijuana synonym, and is still in use today. Or so I am told.

• Pot. If not weed, then pot.

• 420. Too Grateful Dead.

• Herb. Too pretentious.

• Cannabis. Even more pretentious than herb.

• Grass. Too Woody Allen.

More about legalized marijuana:
• If you thought winespeak was bad, how does potspeak sound?
• Ask the WC 11
• Dope writing

Who says wine has to be smooth?

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

peapod burgundySometimes, wine needs to make the back of your eyes hurt

Home-made wine, as anyone who has tasted it knows, offers a world of possibilities. One of them is described here, in the classic British comedy “The Good Life,” known in the U.S. as “Good Neighbors.”

Barbara and Tom Good, played to perfection by the delightful Felicity Kendall and the much missed Richard Briers, have dropped out of 1970s English middle-class life. No “real” jobs – instead, they grow fruits and vegetables and raise pigs, chickens, and goats in the front and back yards of their home in a posh London suburb. That’s part of the joke, which is lost on U.S. audiences who don’t know Surbiton from Hackensack.

But the rest of the show makes up for any loss of cultural context. The supporting cast – Penelope Keith and Paul Eddington, as their very English and very suburban neighbors – are perfect as the Goods’ foils. Keith’s Margo Leadbetter, as she shows here, is one more reason why there will always be an England.

The wine in question is made from pea pods, a common home brew. The humor works because it fits the theme of the show, and not because it’s yet another wine tasting cliche. The result? The peapod certainly isn’t smooth – and doesn’t conform to European Union wine labeling regulations, either, come to think of it.

Video courtesy of BBC Comedy Greats via YouTube

Halloween wine tale 2017: Dr. Who vs. the Daleks

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

dr. who
No, Sarah Jane, you don’t need to wear a brown hat.

This year’s annual Halloween post: Dr. Who and his brown-hatted companion must stop the Daleks from exterminating all the cheap wine in the universe

I was sleeping, which seemed like the best thing to be doing in the middle of the night, when someone nudged me. Hard. And then harder.

“Aren’t you up yet? We’re already late.”

I rolled over, reached for my glasses in the nightstand. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, with his too curly hair, too floppy hat, too long scarf, and the too annoyed look that I knew all too well.

“Some of us can’t negotiate the vastness of time and space without sleeping every night,” I said. “I’ve always wondered how you put up with that failing of ours, Doctor.”

“Sleep? Who was talking about sleep? I was talking about the gravest threat possible to the safety of the universe. Why else would I interrupt my holiday in Brighton to come get you?”

“I didn’t know you liked Brighton, Doctor.” I really didn’t.

“You’re missing the point!” and his voice rose and became quicker and faster. “This is the stuff of nightmares, of pure evil, a blasphemy toward all forms of life. It’s the end of time and space.”

That woke me up. The Daleks will do that. Continue reading →

Halloween wine tale 2017: Dr. Who vs. the Daleks

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

dr. who
No, Sarah Jane, you don’t need to wear a brown hat.

This year’s annual Halloween post: Dr. Who and his brown-hatted companion must stop the Daleks from exterminating all the cheap wine in the universe

I was sleeping, which seemed like the best thing to be doing in the middle of the night, when someone nudged me. Hard. And then harder.

“Aren’t you up yet? We’re already late.”

I rolled over, reached for my glasses in the nightstand. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, with his too curly hair, too floppy hat, too long scarf, and the too annoyed look that I knew all too well.

“Some of us can’t negotiate the vastness of time and space without sleeping every night,” I said. “I’ve always wondered how you put up with that failing of ours, Doctor.”

“Sleep? Who was talking about sleep? I was talking about the gravest threat possible to the safety of the universe. Why else would I interrupt my holiday in Brighton to come get you?”

“I didn’t know you liked Brighton, Doctor.” I really didn’t.

“You’re missing the point!” and his voice rose and became quicker and faster. “This is the stuff of nightmares, of pure evil, a blasphemy toward all forms of life. It’s the end of time and space.”

That woke me up. The Daleks will do that. Continue reading →

Raise your glasses in a toast of champipple

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

Maybe a little champipple is what we need after two months of so many things that we didn’t need

Who doesn’t need a laugh after the past couple of months, what with too many fires and earthquakes and hurricanes?

So enjoy this clip from Sanford and Son (courtesy of F22Videos at YouTube), featuring the legendary Redd Fox – one of the few men in the history of comedy who went from talking dirty to a network sitcom. Talk about talent. Ripple, in fact, was a real product – a fortified wine cooler made by E&J Gallo for a couple of decades starting in 1960.

And if anyone seeing this was ever brave enough to sample champipple, leave a comment. I was never been able to talk myself into mixing the two and trying it.

Wine to drink when you’re trying to do a credit report freeze

by Wine Curmudgeon Posted On

credit report freezeThree cheap wines to drink while you’re struggling with a website or a call center to get your credit report freeze

Who knew the Wine Curmudgeon would need to write a post about a credit report freeze? But how else to pass the time while watching the little circle on the web browser tab spin and spin and spin? And then doing it again, because the website doesn’t load or you get the dreaded error 500 on the Equifax site?

The goal here is to drink lighter wine, since you need to pay attention to what’s going on. Plus, given how long this takes (an afternoon and a morning for me), lighter wine with less alcohol makes the most sense. If you’re on-line or on hold so long that you drink an entire bottle, better that it’s not a 14.7 percent zinfandel.

Consider these wines:

• Aldi Exquisite Collection Provencal Rose 2016 ($8, purchased, 13%); This is the pink wine that the Today Show praised to the skies, marveling that it could be so good and so cheap (which, of course, isn’t surprising for TV people). Hence, it took five months to get to my local Aldi. It’s a pleasant enough Provencal rose with berry fruit and some minerality, though the fruit is a bit shallow and it’s a little thin in the back. But it’s perfect for sitting on hold with a call center or waiting for the credit bureau to send a PIN to your phone.

• Jolie Folle Sauvignon Blanc 2016 ($13/1 liter, purchased, 11.5%): This French white is ideal for the situation, since it’s 1 liter, or about two glasses more than a regular bottle. Plus, the alcohol is so low you’ll barely notice it. The wine itself is congenial enough, with lots of sweet lemon and tropical fruit, and the acidity is toned way down. It’s not especially French, but the key here is something to drink while listening to the voice that tells you that your call is very important and will be answered in the order in which it is received.

• Louis Jadot Beaujolais-Villages 2015 ($10, purchased, 13%): This is grocery store Beaujolais, the simple red wine from France, and every time I buy it I wish it was better than it is. But it’s fruity enough (ripe cherries?) to keep at your elbow as you sigh, take a sip, sigh again, and wonder if you’ll ever be able to get the credit report freeze finished.