Wine foolishness, 2022 edition

In which the WC gathers up a lot of foolishness and tries to get a laugh out of it

A good newspaper reporter learns to “gather string;” that is, you collect bits and pieces from here and there, whether from news releases, information from interviews that didn’t fit one particular story, or clippings picked up because they seemed interesting and that you might be able to use later.

It’s a tremendous technique that has helped me do lots of good writing over the years. Unfortunately, almost the exact opposite is true when it comes to writing about wine.

That’s because wine – to put it bluntly – is filled with so much foolishness. Gathering string in wine doesn’t necessarily lead to good writing or good stories. Instead, it leads to long lists of silliness, like this one.

So try to find some humor in the following, which I gathered over the past several months (and no, there won’t be any links, since I don’t want to be sued):

• The $5,000 cycling tour of Italy’s Prosecco region. Led by a sommelier, of course, because otherwise it certainly wouldn’t be worth $5,000. One of the goals of the tour, and I swear I’m not making this up: To learn why “it is worth spending more for a quality sparkling wine.” In other words, I’m spending five grand to learn that $30 Prosecco is likely better than $12 Prosecco.

• The following review from one of the Wine Magazines: “Glimpses of golden ripe mirabelle plum and the slightest hint of lovage create a lovely nose and continue to feature on the creamy, finely foaming palate.” Lovage? Lovage? Lovage?

• Yet another study claiming the pandemic has turned us into hopeless alcoholics: “Understanding how alcohol purchase behavior is changed by events such as COVID is important because heavy alcohol use is known to be associated with numerous social problems, especially within the home,” The catch here? The disclaimer at the end of the release noting that the study has some limitations, including that data from “many states were not included.” Which, of course, raises the question of why they authors bothered, other than to take grant money to perpetuate a neo-Prohibitionist myth.

• And what would one of these lists be like without healthy wine? These wines, says the marketing drivel, “are both great tasting and health conscious. … supporting their desire for a healthy lifestyle.” And why health conscious? Because they have only 100 calories a serving. Or, about the same as light beer — and when did wine become a diet food? Is is any wonder I worry about the future of the wine business?

• Finally, a list of the most overrated wine styles, as compiled by a sommelier survey. It included rose, cabernet sauvignon, chardonnay, red blends, sauvignon blanc, and pinot grigio. So I’m wondering: What are we supposed to drink?