Three signs the wine apocalypse is a lot closer than you think

Check out these sales pitches: Wine drinkers are such idiots we’ll believe anything we’re told

These three items, all urging wine drinkers to spend money for no good reason other than to spend money, showed up at WC world headquarters recently. All I could do was shake my head and wonder if the wine apocalypse was even closer than I thought it was – and it’s not like I don’t expect it sooner rather than later.

And no, I’m not going to mention any names because companies that do crap like this don’t even deserve bad publicity:

• Join our wine club, buy a wine, and maybe get a bottle of one of the the rarest wines in the world. The bottle in question is Domaine de la Romanee-Conti, which is in such short supply that even the one percent have difficulty buying it. There is, literally, almost none of it in the world. But if you join: “Just $30 could get you this $2,400 bottle!” So why would this wine club use this come on? Because wine drinkers are idiots, and we’ll believe anything.

• It’s not the wine in the cellar that matters – it’s turning your wine cellar into art. I wish I was making this up, but no: “High tech wine spaces, from cellars to tasting rooms, are designed to rise out of the basement and become a focal point of your home. Only 52 are created each year, no matter the demand, in order to preserve their singularity, exceptional architecture, and authenticity.” And, if that’s not enough, “each piece will change your experience of wine from the moment the bottle is purchased to the last drop poured.” Silly me. I thought it was what the wine tasted like.

• The following came from a subscription wine club, featuring Italian wine no one has ever heard of. The selling point? Its wines aren’t loaded with sugar, which evil winemakers dump into their wines with abandon, all the while twirling mustaches: “The high sugar content of typical wines is the primary contributor to the dreaded morning-after headache most consumers experience the day after enjoying a few glasses of wine.” First, “typical wines” don’t have much sugar. It disappears during fermentation. Second, I wasn’t aware sugar caused hangovers. I thought it was the alcohol. But what do I know? I’m just an idiot wine drinker.