Mr. Spock’s reaction when told that wine drinkers should drink what they want, that the best wine is wine that they like, and that most of the rest of what passes for wine advice is foolishness:
A tip o’ the Wine Curmudgeon’s fedora to the Dedoimedo computer blog; this post is based on his “My reaction to — ” series. The video is courtesy of youkiandbeyond via YouTube.
The Wine Curmudgeon has often lamented the quality of wine humor, but here is something that’s not only funny, but entirely too accurate. Consider just these two lines from a fake commercial for a product called Second Cheapest Wine: “You don’t know much about wine, but you do know that you shouldn’t get the cheapest. That’s why we make it easy for you to get the Second Cheapest.”
The bit takes on restaurants, wine snobs, wine education, and wine stores — and all in only 1:19. And with impressive production values. This is so good, in fact, that I should send the authors a copy of the cheap wine book.
So enjoy — Second Cheapest Wine, from CollegeHumor.com, via YouTube:
A sharply divided Supreme Court ruled today that wine writing, since it’s mostly about selling wine and isn’t journalism, is not protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution. Instead, said the 5-4 majority, it falls under the 21st Amendment, which allows each state to regulate alcohol sales any way it sees fit, and which makes wine writing part of the three-tier system.
Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority, said: “First, state’s rights. Second, I’m an old white guy and I need to be told what wine to drink. Third, I thought wine writing was already about shilling for the industry.”
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, in her sharply worded dissent, said: “Has Scalia ever actually read the Constitution? Or is he just making this up as he goes along?”
Reaction was swift:
• The National Association of Attorney’s General said it would publish guidelines to help each state regulate wine writing, including recommended winespeak terms and a primer on how to score wines.
• The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board said it would appoint a committee to take over Dave Falchek’s immensely popular Empty Bottles blog, and that the new version would be distributed through grocery store vending machines.
• The Wine Spectator praised the ruling, and a spokesman said: “We’ll be working closely with our partners in the production, distribution, and regulatory channels to assure that each benefits from the ruling, and especially us.”
• The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said wine writing in the state must now include references to football, sweet tea, and protecting the border. Or else, because its agents are armed. And don’t you forget it.
• Jeff Siegel, who writes the Wine Curmudgeon blog, announced he was giving up wine writing to return to the Burger King on Skokie Valley Road in Highland Park, Ill., where he worked the broiler as a teenager. “Yes, I’ll smell like a hamburger when I’m done with my shift,” he said, “but no will expect me to write that a Whopper has a bouquet of fresh heirloom tomatoes.”
The Court’s ruling came in Bonne vs. Parker, stemming from an incident at the 2014 Symposium for Professional Wine Writers that seemed really important at the time but, like so much about wine writing, is not that big a deal to the vast majority of people who drink wine.
More April 1 news:
• Gov. Perry to California: Bring your wineries to Texas
• California secedes from U.S. ? becomes its own wine country
New Year’s wine predictions, wine advice, wine trends, and the like are as common as $10 grocery store merlot. How does the Wine Curmudgeon know this? Because I’m almost as guilty as everyone else in doing them — almost being the key, of course.
Hence this opportunity for you to make your own predictions, in the spirit of the very popular Do-it-yourself wine review. Just click on the drop-down menus and your resolutions for 2014 are set (although those of you who get the blog via email or on Facebook may have to go the website to use the menus).
In 2014, I’m going to drink:
In 2014, I’m going to try to learn more about wine by:
In 2014, I’m going to spend:
In 2014, the most important wine trend will be:
In 2014, regional and local wine:
New Year’s resolution image from Joe’s Cafe and wine diet image from Chicane Pictures, using a Creative Commons license
The holidays are fraught with peril for wine drinkers, and especially for anyone who is intimidated by all the wine drinking going on. Which, truth to tell, is more of us than most of us care to admit. Or, as one 20-something woman asked me during a Cheap Wine book signing (shamless plug alert!), “Is it OK if I bring this $5 wine to a party? Will people make fun of me?”
Hence this guide, because we don’t want to embarrass any of our fellow wine drinkers. Because there but for the grace of the wine gods. …
1. “I can’t believe you’re drinking sweet wine.” Some of the best wine in the world is sweet — rieslings, whether from Germany, New York or elsewhere, and dessert wines, including the $550 French Chateau d’Yquem. Yes, pink moscato or red raspberry is not highly rated by the Winestream Media, but who are they to judge? After all, don’t they believe in the magical gateway wine?
2. “I used to buy that, and then I learned more about wine.” This actually happened to me. A guy I knew saw I was buying an ordinary French red, and said I should buy his French red. Which I did, and it was a waste of money — more expensive and not any better. I learned an important lesson that day about wine and peer pressure. Which is to ignore it.
3. “I just bought a bunch of 92-point wines, and they were only $30 each — such a deal.” Any wine that costs more than $15, given the foolishness of points, should score 92 points. At least. In fact, given the rampant score inflation that has apparently going on over the past couple of years, anyone who spends $30 a bottle for a 92-point wine shouldn’t be bragging about it. They should be consulting the $10 Hall of Fame.
4. “Texas wine? Haven’t they given up on that yet?” You can substitute your local wine region here, but the sentiment is the same. Despite all of the progress we have made, too many wine drinkers, wine critics, and wine snobs still insist they know best about regional wine because they didn’t enjoy the glass they had when Jimmy Carter was president.
5. “The last time I was in Napa, I had the most amazing wine. … ” Wine travel snobbery is among the worst, implying that the only amazing wines can be found by people rich or lucky enough to go where the wine is made. This is obviously not true; the Wine Curmudgeon has found some amazing wines digging around the closeout bin at his local Italian wine specialist. Which is 10 minutes from my house with free parking.
This year, I wanted to do more silly stuff on the blog — after all, wine is supposed to be fun. The Winestream Media is almost always deadly serious, and even I fall into that rut more than I should. So the do-it-yourself wine review and the April Fool’s Day post were my attempts to lighten things up.
Unfortunately, though I can write funny, it’s not easy. Rob Petrie I’m not. So I have been searching the Internet for wine humor to use once a month or so, but with very uneven results. This Mel Brooks bit isn’t especially funny (the wine stuff starts at the 6:40 mark), and I didn’t think it was possible for Mel Brooks not to be funny.
The problem, as wine humorist William Tish told me, is that most wine comedy “is just the same old, same old. How many times or ways can you make fun of snobbery?” And Tish is right — that’s the theme in most of what I found, whether a skit in the Tamil language, a couple of Australian comics, or a marginally tasteful “gay men know best about wine” video.
What does it say about wine that people around the world, regardless of any other cultural differences, make fun of the same things about wine? We are entirely too serious, aren’t we?
So I’m stuck — either beat my head on the keyboard in the hope I can write something funny, which defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to do with humor, or keep scouring the Internet in the hopes something Cleese-like will show up.
Any thoughts, as well as wine humor from blog visitors, are welcome. Send me an email or leave a comment. We need to have more fun around here.
For more on wine and comedy:
• What’s wrong with the wine business: Cartoon edition
• “Am I boring you?”
• “Wine writers — donkeys that most of them are”
• “You won’t show this, will you? I’m a wine merchant.”
Tired of the Winestream Media and tasting notes that make no sense at all? Tired of the Wine Curmudgeon whining about the Winestream Media and its heavy handed ways?
Then write your own wine review. It ?s fun and easy ? just click on the drop-down menus and you ?re set. Those of you who get the blog via email or on Facebook may have to go the website — just click here to do so.
I bought this wine at the
I wasn’t sure what to buy, so I bought
and
The wine tasted like
I’m not sure if I liked the wine, because
Still, I guess I’m supposed to give the wine a score, so it gets
A tip o’ the Wine Curmudgeon’s fedora to Al Yellon at the baseball blog Bleed Cubbie Blue, who gave me the idea for this and has to write about the Cubs every day. He has my sympathy.
